Me, Buddha and Nietzsche
In my quest to expand my reading horizons, a book entitled Nietzsche for Beginners was suggested to me. My daughter, the non reader actually suggesting something I may want to read! I liked the title, however, found it interesting that my first instinct was to say no thanks, I can’t imagine that a nihilist could have anything to say that I want to hear! In my joy over sharing any book with this child who usually does not share my obsession with the written word I decided to be open minded and give it a try. To my surprise there were quite a few references that caught at my consciousness, and one quote that particularly stood out, was strangely entitled “The Death of God.” It read ; ‘An awful yet exhilirating thought! Awful because we feel abandoned by our former protector, yet exhilirating because suddenly our world opens to infinity. Anything now is imaginable.’
Hmm. I am at this point in my life where I am not only questioning the things I once believed to be true, but I am questioning the things I once believed to be false. This brings many challenges, and yet this line of reasoning, this journey is proving to be quite amazing. For example. As a child I believed in the grandfatherly, white haired, forgiver of everything God. Life itself taught me this was far too simple an assumption. For a while as an adult I lost sight of him completely, lost sight of faith entirely and then gradually discovered a different spirituality asserting itself through the hubris of my experiences.
Buddhism spoke a truth to me that I didn’t expect. The simple logic of loving kindness, mindful living, lack of attachment and desire and the acceptance of change bring me great comfort. I love the imagery of fighting change being ‘as futile as the day resisting the night, or winter resisting spring.’ Armed with this knowledge I am finding ways to let go of the past by visualizing this powerful message. Whenever I feel myself clinging to old hurts or sadnesses that keep me in a place I no longer want to live, or overwhelmed with the ebb and flow of normal life I forcefully pull my thoughts to the positive, to the gains change bring, whether or not they are immediately obvious. In fact, like most of my fellow searchers, the gifts that have come to me through tragedy are singularly the ones I cherish the most.
I have not abandoned the religious teachings of my parents. Far from it. What I believe to be happening is the blending of the goodness inherent in those lessons with the natural progression of my own faith. My own faith in the world, in humanity, in love, compassion, science, everything. I was never sure what the expression, ‘I am spiritual, but not religious” meant. I think I do now, or am beginning to. With every assumption I challenge about myself, win or lose I find my vision of this life, this moment, improving. Yes, it’s sometimes a shitty existence, life brings suffering, life is painful and loss is inevitable. How we deal with those things means everything. This premise seems simplistic yet is proving to be the toughest challenge yet.
Through all of this I finally forgave myself for being weak. Forgave myself for being flawed. Forgave myself for being me. I am even beginning to see myself the way the people that love me seem to. It’s really nice. As I see myself in the eyes and the hearts of my loved ones, I learn to care for me. Something we all desperately need to do! What I desire now is to hold out some of this ‘truth’ to my kids; if they want it, in the hope that their own path to acceptance and peace may be strengthened by my own. If not, that’s ok too. This is a road often travelled alone.
good old R.F. …and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.